If I Die Before I Wake
by Light Catastrophe
Summary: Dieing makes everyone brave. At least, that's what Roxas tells himself. AkuRoku. AU.
1. Diagnosis

If I Die Before I Wake

**If** _I_ _**Die Before**_ _I_ **Wake**

**B**_y_ L**i**_g_h**t** _C_a**t**_a_s**t**_r_o**p**_h_e

_Chapter_ **One: D**_i_a**g**_n_o**s**_i_s

Rating: M

**Pairing**: AkuRoku

_Warnings_; yaoi, slash, angst, AU, swearing

Disclaimer: I wish. Kingdom Hearts does not belong to me. Don't sue me.

**Babblings**: Yeah, this is another idea that's been in my head for awhile. If you like _A Walk to Remember _I think you'll like this story, even though it's not the exact same thing.

_Roxas' point of view_

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

"**Something you learn on the last day of your life is as important as something you learn on the first day of school, because you're not dying, you're changing."**

-from _Deadline _by Chris Crutcher (the most amazing book ever written)

If there's one thing I've learned in life it's that life's a bitch. Perhaps I seem blunt to you, cruel even, but it's true. Nothing ever comes freely. But sometimes, sometimes, the price you have to pay is worth it in the end.

When I was naught but a wee lad of eight, I lost both my parents in a plane crash. They never recovered the bodies. Their faces are blurred in my mind. I can't see them, but I remember feeling loved. My much-older brother, Cloud, raised me even though he was barely an adult by then. He worked his ass off to help me, to send me to school, to put dinner on our table every night.

Then the second tragedy hit: I was diagnosed with leukemia. I was dying and I hadn't even hit puberty yet. I didn't even know what sex was, though I should have at least guessed because of all the loud noises coming from Cloud's room when he thought I was asleep at night. I always just thought Cloud was a loud sleeper. We didn't have the money to pay for treatment and I came to the realization that I was going to die a slow, painful death.

It didn't happen. Miraculously (God knows we needed a miracle), the cancer went into remission and it hasn't come back. I've always been weak since then, but healthy and I've been able to have nearly all life has to offer.

Today, when I walked into my doctor's office for my monthly check-up (just in case) I could sense something was wrong, something was off. I shivered and pulled my jacket tighter around my slight shoulders. "Hello," greeted the receptionist, cheerfully, an annoyingly fake smile on her face. What was _with_ people like that anyway? Those kinds of smiles don't make anyone feel better. They just increase the feelings of impending doom, or whatever cliché you want to use. "You can head back, Roxas. The doctor's waiting for you."

I thanked her, although I felt like hitting her upside the head to knock some sense into that head of hers. The doctor was waiting for me, a _genuine_ smile on his face. "Heya, Doc," I said, hopping up onto the examination table. Let's just say that after eleven years of monthly meetings we were pretty close. "'Sup?" I think maybe I've been hanging around Axel too much. His odd dialect is rubbing off on me. That's what I got for living with the man. Oh, the things I do for love.

"How are you feeling?" he asked in that way that I just know I'm supposed to be feeling _something_.

"Same as always," I said, swinging my feet from the table, trying my damnedest to keep the atmosphere in the room at least neutral, if not on the positive side.

"Are you sure?" he prodded, glancing at his clipboard.

Silence commenced and that's when I knew. "It's back, isn't it, Doc?"

He took a long moment to stare into my eyes, as if waiting for me to break down and beg him to say it's not true. But it was true. I knew it as well as him. I didn't feel different, I didn't look different, but the cancer was there again, slowly beginning the process of killing me.

Finally, he averted his eyes and nodded. "We need to start treatment right away. You can't avoid it this time. It's worse than it was before, Roxas. If we don't start now, you'll have two years tops left to live. You need to tell your brother. And that boy you've been living with."

"No," I said abruptly.

"What?" he asked, startled, looking like an ugly fish, with his eyes wide and his jaw nearly hanging down to his belly-button.

You may tell me I've lost my mind, but I decided a long time ago that if it ever returned, I wasn't going to take chemotherapy and radiation. I wasn't going to lose my hair and become frail. I wasn't going to spend months and months in the hospital. And no, I wasn't risking my life on the extremely rare chance I'd get another miracle. Things like that only happened once in a lifetime, and even then, only if you were lucky.

No, I was not going to slowly fade out of existence and become a pity story. I wasn't going to have a predictable death. I was going to leave this world with a bang and people were sure as hell going to remember me for it.

I guess, deep down inside, I knew it was going to come back. I've never pictured myself as an old man and now I knew why: I'd never be an old man.

"No," I repeated, more firmly this time. "I'm not going to take treatment and I'm not going to tell anyone. And you aren't either."

"But, Roxas," he blubbered. Apparently he'd never had a patient who'd done this to him before. "You're going to–"

"Die. I know," I finished for him. "Listen, Doc, I'm going to die anyway. Treatment is just going to prolong the inevitable. I tell ya what: if they come up with the cure for cancer in the next year or so I'll happily be cured. And I'm not going to tell my brother, because he already has enough to deal with. And I'm not going to tell Axel…" My voice trailed off and I wiped the tears from my eyes. "I'm not going to look into his eyes every day and have him pity me and feel sorry for me. I'm not going to make him share this with me. It's better this way."

The doctor sighed deeply and scribbled something on a piece of paper, then handed it to me. It was a list of vitamins and supplements. "Fine," he said, surrendering. "I don't think this is right, but I can't stop you. You're nineteen, old enough to decide for yourself to throw your life away." We met eyes for a moment and an understanding passed between us. "You know where to find me if you change your mind."

I managed to contain myself until I got back out to the sidewalk.

And then I ran, with no destination in mind. I just ran. The tears froze on my face in the cold winter air.

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

**Babblings**: I know this chapter was short, but it's just the beginning. Please tell me what you think. You know I love you. Axel will be introduced in the next chapter. And yes, Roxas and Axel are already in a relationship.


	2. Risks

If I Die Before I Wake

**If** _I_ _**Die Before**_ _I_ **Wake**

_Chapter_ **Two: R**_i_s**k**_s_

**Babblings:** Here's chapter two. Please give me some more reviews. I love you. Ah, and this chapter introduces Axel. Hope you enjoy.

The italicized sections are flashbacks of sorts to how Roxas and Axel got together.

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

In many ways, I'm the luckiest guy in the whole of existence. I found my true love young in life – well, I was fifteen years old, but who's counting? How do I know he's the one? I can tell by the look in his eyes when he tells me he loves me. Axel, in spite of his tough-guy outer appearance, is a completely different person when we are alone, when he's making love to me in the sweetest ways. And I like that I'm the only person who gets to see this side of him. I'm the only person who gets to see the mushy, loveable interior of him.

"I'm home," I said, pushing open the door to our apartment, rubbing my glove-less hands together in an attempt to warm them and make them less bright red.

"Heya, Roxy," Axel said, with his characteristic smirk on his face, coming around the corner from the kitchen. He brought he into a hug and immediately I felt my insides – and outsides – thaw. Then he swiped a spike away from my forehead and kissed me. "You look like you've been through hell and back. It must be wild out there."

I nodded, trying to keep the bile from rising in my throat. "Yeah, I decided to go out for a run." Part of me wondered how long I'd be able to run like that – run without abandon.

"In this weather?" he asked, eyebrows rising.

"Well, it wasn't snowing when I started running," I replied, pulling away from him to take my coat and shoes off. "It's fine. It's just a bit nippy out there."

"So how did your appointment go?" he asked as we walked into the kitchen and sat at the table. He set a steaming cup of hot cocoa in front of me, always my favorite, but now all I felt like doing was chucking it out the window on some un-expecting passerby. I was about to tell Axel an outright lie for the first time in our four-year relationship. The thought made me sick to my stomach, but I wasn't about to change my mind now.

So I shrugged and took a small sip of the cocoa. "Same as usual. I'm as healthy as ever."

My red-haired lover let out a visible sigh of relief and I couldn't help but feel guilty for doing this to him. Every month when I go in for my check-up, Axel gets this way where he can't eat and he can't sleep until he knows that I'm going to be okay at least for another month. And then everything goes back to normal – or as normal as our lives usually are. But now… what would he do when I was gone? Was I just being selfish over this whole thing? The angel inside of me said, _Yes, you are being selfish. Are you really going to throw away true love for the sake of your __**hair**__?_ The devil said, _No, of course not. This is what is best. Why can't he just have his last year or so of fun?_ I hated those two. They always made my life more complicated.

"That's good," Axel said, nonchalantly, pretending it didn't affect him as much as it did.

I can't believe I'm doing this. Maybe I should march right back to Doc and demand to take treatments ASAP.

No. I'm not doing that.

"So what's for dinner?" I asked.

He grinned, leaning close to me over the table. "Well I was thinking we could order pizza… And then…" He pressed his lips teasingly against mine for only a fleeting moment. "And then… I maybe I can have Roxas pie for dessert."

I grinned right back at him, licking my lips in that seductive way I know he can't resist. "I like that idea."

Suddenly, he growled and lifted me up so I fell like a sack of potatoes over his strong shoulders. I protested a little, but there wasn't much motivation behind it. "I've decided that I'd rather have you for an appetizer instead."

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

_Fifteen-year-old Roxas suddenly felt the weight of a history book bopping him on the back of the head. He was about to make some rude retort when he found himself staring into the deep green eyes of a red-head boy he'd never seen before. _

"_You're in my seat," the boy said._

"_I don't see your name on it," the small blonde replied, taking another bite of his sandwich, hoping to piss him off._

"_No," he smirked. "But then again, you don't know my name so you can't be sure that one of these here signatures isn't mine."_

_Roxas lowered his eyes to the table, where, indeed, many students had left their markings over the years. "I can sit where I want," he said, glaring at the much-bigger boy. _

"_Yes," said the red-head, "I suppose you can. So I'll have to improvise." With that, he plopped down on the bench beside Roxas, not an arm's width separating them though there was no one else sitting at the table. _

_Determined not to let the boy get to him, Roxas just (nearly) glared a hole into his peanut-butter sandwich and commenced to ignore the red-head until the bell signaling the end of lunch rang. He quickly grabbed his backpack and bounded from the cafeteria as fast as he could. _

_Axel burst out in laughter. The blonde would get used to him._

_Eventually. _

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

We lay in the sweet afterglow of our love-making, our bodies tangled together with no semblance of order, clothes flung thoughtlessly over the floor. I curled up more closely against Axel, reveling in the feeling of our naked bodies touching, skin against skin.

After a few minutes, Axel broke our reverie by saying, "So what about dinner?"

I groaned. "You're making me move now?" I whined. "You've obviously never been on the bottom. As a general rule it hurts to move for at least several minutes. Especially when the one pounding into you is so goddamn strong."

"Maybe if you had just a _little_ bit more padding…" began Axel, teasingly.

I pouted, crossing my arms and pulling back just a little ways. "Well, _sor-ry_. I'm sorry I'm not taller or stronger or had a bit more–"

He cut me off by pressing his lips against mine in an almost angry manner. When he stopped and looked at me there was something unrecognizable in his gaze. "If you were any different from who you are right now, you wouldn't be Roxas. And I can't ever love anyone but you."

His words nearly brought tears to my eyes and I suddenly felt as though I was going to puke. He would, eventually, have to find someone else, when I was gone and not coming back. But he didn't need to know that yet. Not for quite some time. In a few months, I would no longer be the same person. Would he still love me then?

"I love you, too," I said, laughing a moment later when his stomach growled. "Come on. Let's get you some food."

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

"Hey, Axel?" I asked, the next morning when we sat down for breakfast.

He looked up from his large bowl of Lucky Charms. "Hmm?"

"Do you work today?" Axel worked at a corner grocery store most days when he wasn't at school. He didn't really need to. His grandfather had left him with a lot of money (the reason we had such a nice apartment) but Axel liked the feeling of earning his own place in the world.

"Nope," he grinned. "I was thinking maybe I could figure out a new way to make you scream…"

I rolled my eyes. "Love, I'm pretty sure that after four years you pretty much know every possible way to make me scream. Besides, that's all we did last night and if we did any more I might not be able to walk."

"Fine," he pouted, taking another huge bite of cereal, licking a stray marshmallow from the side of his mouth. It's kind of funny, but he doesn't really strike many people as a Lucky Charms marshmallow guy. I guess it's just proof that he really is fluffy on the inside. "So what did you have in mind?"

"I want to do something new and exciting, maybe even a little risky."

Axel arched an eyebrow so high it completely disappeared into his bangs. "What's going on, Roxy? You've never, ever been one for taking risks."

Death does that to people, I guess. See the thing about us dying people is that we have absolutely nothing to lose. Maybe death makes us braver. Maybe it makes us stupider. But then again bravery and stupidity come hand-in-hand most of the time. Besides, I have to cram an entire lifetime in less than two years. I'd better get started.

But I couldn't tell Axel any of this, so I just shrugged and said, "You know that saying 'Dream as if you'll live forever; live as if you'll die tomorrow'? Well, I decided that I want to put it into practice. I've spent too much of my life moping around, doing nothing. So I want to get out and _do_ something."

Suddenly a worried look crossed Axel's features and I knew what he was going to say before he even said it. "But if you over-exert yourself isn't there a higher chance that it will come back?"

"Axel," I said, firmly. "I'm not going to break and I sure as hell ain't dyin' any time soon." Which wasn't exactly a lie. Two years wasn't _that_ soon.

So he let, out a long, deep sigh and leaned back in his chair. "So what exactly do you have in mind?"

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

_After two weeks of that annoying red-head sitting next to him at lunch, in silence, watching the blonde boy as if he were a spectator sport, Roxas couldn't stand it any longer. "Don't you have any friends?"_

_The red-head grinned in that utterly infuriating manner and replied, "Of course. They're sitting right over there." He motioned with a wave of his hand to the table with all the popular people. _

"_So why the hell don't you sit with them and leave me alone?" Roxas asked, turning to glare at the older boy. _

"_Because you amuse me."_

"_Well, you don't amuse me and I'd really appreciate it if you would stop sitting here. I enjoy having my lunch in peace."_

_The red-head brought his face closer, close enough so that Roxas could feel the warm breath on his skin, making his heart speed up and unexpected butterflies flutter in his stomach. "Everyone needs someone to talk to. Even you. Even if you don't like to admit it. I can see your pain. And I like you and I'd like to be the one to take away that pain."_

_Not knowing what to say, Roxas bit his tongue in an attempt to keep back tears. Why did this boy fucking care? Roxas didn't even know his name or how old he was. It was none of the boy's business how he felt. "I don't need anyone."_

_Suddenly, the boy's arms were wrapped around the small blonde and their lips were touching. For a moment, Roxas lost himself in the sensation, allowing Axel to kiss him in front of the entire school population. Then he came to his senses and pushed the red-head away._

"_Fuck you," he said, standing up and wiping his tears away. _

_Before he could bolt, though, the larger boy grabbed onto his arm and forced their eyes to meet. "I'm not doing this to impress anyone."_

"_Well, you could have fooled me."_

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

"This is what you call risky?" Axel called from far below me.

I currently found myself standing on the high dive of the pool in our apartment building, looking at the pristine water, which appeared like it was about a hundred feet below me. I took another tentative step forward. Sure, I'd seen Axel do this same thing a million times before (admittedly, with a lot more grace), but I'd never done it. Well, this was to be my first step in living out my life in less than two years. It wasn't that I was afraid of heights, per say, I am just horrified of _falling_.

"Just do it!" he yelled again. "Then I can take you back to our room and ravish you again." I ventured a glare down at him. He was so lucky we were the only two people in here.

Another step put me right on the edge of the diving board, my feminine toes curling over the edge, my arms out at my sides, helping me to keep my balance.

"The longer you're up there, the harder it gets!" Easy for him to say. He'd probably never gone through this. Axel had infinite bravery (and stupidity).

I closed my eyes. _Three, two, one… GO!_ I opened my eyes. I was still standing on the edge. Growing frustrated with myself, I shut my eyes once again, determined. _Three… two… one…_ I was falling through the air for what felt like an infinity, trying to ignore the lurching of my stomach. Then I hit with a loud _splash_ and sunk deep into the water, adrenaline filling my body. I burst through the surface of the water, laughing, and climbing back out, ready to do it again and again and again.

"Fun, huh?" Axel said, eyeing my dripping body, hungrily.

I continued laughing, but pressed a kiss on his lips. "It was fucking brilliant." With that, I climbed back up the tall later and ran with enthusiasm to the edge, jumping into thin air – this time without any hesitation.

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

"You know what, Rox?" Axel asked, pulling me closer into his arms as we lay in bed that night. I sighed contentedly, as a sign for him to continue. "I don't think I've ever seen you look so _alive_ in all the years that I've known you, until this afternoon."

"I feel alive right now," I said. "I can feel your strong body. I can hear your heart beating and I can feel mine beating right along with it. You're all that matters to me." Nuzzling my face into his neck, I once again committed his scent to my memory.

Axel's hands slid down my naked body, making me shiver in pleasure in anticipation at what I knew was coming next. It always amazed me that no matter how many times we had sex, I always wanted more. Axel knew all my pleasure spots, just as I knew all of his.

"I love you," he whispered.

I nipped at the soft skin behind his neck, making him moan. Then he rolled over so I was lying, pinned, beneath him. He took my lips in his, possessively. Taking one hand, he teasingly rubbed at my erection until I was a writhing, begging mess. "Please," I moaned. "Axel… please."

Being the uncanny gentleman that he is, Axel always takes the time to prepare me. He says that it's because he doesn't want to hurt me, but I think it's just because he likes to drive me insane before taking me. Carefully, he inserted one finger, pushing it up until he hit my prostate dead on. I arched my back, trying to get more of the feeling, but Axel pushed my hips right back down. "Patience, love," he said, kissing my forehead. Then he put in another finger, stretching me with a scissoring motion. I whimpered, begging him for more, but he refused to give it to me.

Finally, after several long minutes, he deemed I was ready. As though he also could not wait any longer, he quickly positioned himself at my entrance and thrust in. I moaned, loudly and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling our bodies flush against each other. "More… more…" This time he did not hesitate in giving me what I needed.

My body was lost in the sensations and the emotions. I no longer had any conscious thought, except the knowing that he was inside of me, completing me. He was my other half, my better half; the yin to my yang; the light to my darkness; the warmth to my cold; the white to my black.

I came a few minutes later, unable to hold myself back. He followed just a short while later, filling me with his essence. "Love you," I said, once again finding myself close to tears.

"What's wrong?" he asked, pulling back. "Did I hurt you? Oh, god, I did, didn't I?"

"No," I sobbed, pulling our bodies even closer together, not even giving him the chance to pull out. "No." I couldn't control my tears, no matter how badly I wanted them to stop. And I didn't even really know why I was crying except that maybe I was thinking of how I only had so much longer with him, with this boy that I loved so dearly. "It wasn't you… Just… stay here… for tonight. Please?" I asked.

He nodded, kissing my forehead. "Anything for you. I'd give you the world if I could."

I shook my head, sweaty bangs falling into my eyes. "I don't need the world," I said, the tears slowing. "All I need is right here."

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

**Babblings: **Well there you have chapter two. I hope you all like it. Oh and, as you can see, I already have to change the rating to M. I just couldn't help but write that lemon even though I debated over and over in my mind if I should or not.

Well, please review and tell me if you love it or hate it or think it is just blah.


	3. Relationships

If I Die Before I Wake

**If** _I_ _**Die Before**_ _I_ **Wake**

_Chapter_ **Three: R**_e_l**a**_t_i**o**_n_s**h**_i_p**s**

**Babblings: **Thank you for your reviews on the last chapter. I really appreciate them. Keep them coming.

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

I've always hated Mondays. I think most people do. You just get over the high of the weekend and then you're cruelly forced back to reality. Today though, I especially hate Mondays, because it seems so pointless for me to go to class now. I'll never graduate. I'll never hold a real job. So, really, there is no point for me to come here now except to keep Axel from asking questions.

So here I sit, doodling in my notebook when I suddenly hear the door to the classroom creak open and I look up with the rest of the class. A small blonde girl walks in, looking timid, holding her books up to her chest. Immediately, I feel an odd connection with her, not in the same way I have a connection with Axel, but I could still feel it. It's definitely there. The professor sighs, annoyed at having his class disrupted, and motions for her to have a seat. I wave at her, smiling to show that I'm friendly. She smiles, meekly, back at me and takes a seat beside me.

"Hey," I said, holding out my hand. "I'm Roxas."

"Namine," she replies, setting down her books and taking my hand.

I smile again and go back to doodling. I should tell you right now that I've never had many friends in my life. Axel is the only true friend I've ever really had and he doesn't really count since he's my boyfriend. So this is beyond weird that I went out of my way to befriend someone else – especially a girl. I'm Antisocial with a capital A. If Axel hadn't forced his way into my life I'd probably be sitting, holed up in my brother's basement for the rest of my too-short life.

"What are you drawing?" she whispers. I shake my head, but move my hand away so she can see. "Wow," she says. "Those are amazing. Is that what you're going to school for?"

I nod. I was majoring in art, the only thing I'd ever been good at. This was just an annoying side class I was required to take to graduate – which wouldn't be happening now anyway. That was three years away and I had a death sentence of two. "Thanks," I say. "These aren't really special, though. I'm not that great."

"No," she says, keeping her voice down so the professor won't hear. "You have a unique style. I've never seen anything quite like it."

"Come by the art wing when this class is over and I'll show you what I'm working on," I venture. "If you'd like, that is."

She smiles. "I'd love to."

"So what are you majoring in?" I ask.

"I'm an art major, too, actually," she replies. "I've always wanted to be an artist. My father always said I could be so much more, but I've never listened to him."

The rest of class went by quickly. Namine and I chatted like old friends. I learned that she just transferred here because her grandmother is dying of some kind of cancer and needed to be closer to a larger hospital and Namine felt like she couldn't leave her behind. I suddenly felt bile rise into my mouth, but shook my head and continued to let her talk. She was my age. We seemed to have a lot in common. I felt relaxed around her, like I do around Axel. I think she felt relaxed around me, too, because she didn't come across as a normally talkative person. My boring Monday was looking up.

After class let out, I showed her the way to the art wing. Hardly anyone was there during this late hour of the day, being that most of the classes had already been dismissed and people were going home. I gave her a short tour before we came across to the large easel where my painting sat. Namine let out a small gasp and ran her fingers over it, touching the bumps and grooves of the paint. "It's beautiful," she says. "Where did you come up with it?" She was referring to the large, elaborate door I'd painted with tiny black creatures clouding the base of it.

I shrug. "I sometimes have these dreams and… that's just one of the things I remembered so I decided to paint it so I wouldn't forget."

"Oh," she says, turning back to the painting. "Do you have any others?"

"Yeah," I say. "They're at home though. Axel likes to keep them and hang them up all over the house." I shook my head, mentally, at the thought of how excited Axel gets whenever I bring him home a new painting.

"Axel?" she inquires.

"Oh," I grin. "Axel's my boyfriend. We've been together for a long, long time."

"I see," she says in a nonjudgmental manner. I know she's accepted me. That thought makes me unbelievably happy. "How long is a long time?"

"Four years."

She raises an eyebrow. "Wow. That is a long time."

"Yeah," I agree. "He goes to school here, also, so you might see him around. Or maybe you can come over some time and meet him. And see the paintings."

She smiles, angelically. "I'd like that."

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

I call Axel on his cell phone a few minutes later, after Namine and I part ways. On Mondays, his last class gets out a little later than mine, but I usually wait around for him so we can go home or to work together.

"_Where are you, Rox?"_ he asks when he first picks up the phone.

"Sorry, I was visiting with someone in the art wing. I kinda lost track of time. I'm walking toward the parking lot right now."

"_Oh, I see you,"_ he says. _"Stay there. Don't move."_ Then the line goes dead.

I sigh and close the phone, waiting. A couple of moments later a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist and tackle me, making me fall face-first into a snow bank. I stand up, teeth chattering, a death glare on my face. Axel is standing in front of me, laughing so hard he's clutching at his sides. I pick up a snowball and nail him right in the middle of his chest. _That_ brings him to his senses. "S-serves you r-right," I shiver.

He laughs and pulls me against him. "Sorry, Roxy. I just couldn't help myself." He brushes the snow out of my hair. "Come on," he says, sweeping me off my feet and running. "I know a great way to get you warm again."

"Axel!" I yell, pounding on his back. "Put me down!"

"Not a chance," he chuckles.

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

"_What are you working on?" the red-head asked, peering over the blonde's shoulder at the painting he was currently working on. It was late. Roxas thought everyone else in the school would have been long gone by now. But then again this boy had never appeared normal to Roxas. He probably stayed late just to bother Roxas. _

"_That would be none of your business," he snipped. This was the first time they'd talked since the red-head tried to kiss him. Thankfully, for a few days Roxas had been left in peace at lunch. But peace never last for long, as we all know. _

_The older boy moved Roxas' arm out of the way so he could look. Roxas couldn't find the strength to protest. "I've always wondered who did these paintings," he said at long last. "Now I know. They're beautiful. You could sell them."_

_Roxas shook his head. "They're not that good."_

_For a long time, neither of them said anything. Then the red-head lowered his eyes apologetically. "I'm sorry about… you know. I shouldn't have done that."_

_To his utter amazement, Roxas found himself shaking his head and saying, "No, it's okay. You were right. I do need help. I just…" his voice trailed off and he felt a stray tear slip down his cheek. When he went to wipe it away, a strong hand gripped his wrist and another hand wiped away the tear. And then they were kissing again. And this time Roxas didn't protest. He gave himself entirely to this stranger whose name he still did not know. _

_When they parted, Roxas still clung to the older boy. "What's your name?" he whispered._

"_Axel," he replied. "And your name is Roxas."  
_

"_How did you know?"_

_Axel laughed a little. "I know everything."_

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

"Axel," I say, pulling on my shoes and gloves, "I'm going out for a run, okay?"

He looks up at me from the bed where he's still lying, completely naked, a quizzical look on his face. "Roxy, we just had amazing sex and now you're telling me that you're going running? I think you just had enough of a workout to get you through a couple days. Plus, you're the one who always complains that your ass hurts."

I grin, deviously, at him. "I know, but once I get to running I'll have the pain in my sides to help me forget about the pain in my ass." What he doesn't understand is that I _have_ to do this. Running has always been my escape and now I don't know how much longer I'll have to do it.

"Do you want me to come with you?" he asks.

"Nah," I reply, shaking my head. Sometimes Axel and I will run together and most of the time he has to try to keep up with me in spite of the fact that he has longer legs. Now I just don't want him to come in case I'm the one who has to keep up with him. Maybe by running I'll just be rushing to death faster than I should be, but I can't help it. "Just have dinner ready when I get back. I won't be gone long."

"Fine," he says, standing up and grabbing something out of our closet. He walks over to me, placing a kiss on my lips, and pulling a hat down over my head. "Just so you won't get a cold."

I shake my head. A cold is the least of my worries, but he doesn't know that. "Thanks." With that said, I turn my back and run out the door, down the stairs, and onto the busy street. We live right in the center of downtown, so there are always people about. But I like it that way. I feel like I can just become another person with no identity and no worries. Running makes me forget. I love the feeling of the wind in my hair and the blood rushing through my veins.

I run past the corner store where Axel works. I run past the ice cream shop where I work. I run past the daycare mom and dad took me to when I was younger and they were still alive. I run past the park where Cloud used to take me to play. I run past memory after memory, forgetting that I'm dying. I don't feel like I'm dying. In fact, I've never felt so alive.

Then I suddenly find myself in front of my brother's house. I stop, putting my hands on my knees, attempting to get air into my lungs. I didn't know I'd run so far. Cloud doesn't live too far away if you drive, but running… it's a hell-of-a long way. My feet move on their own accord and I then I'm knocking on the door even though I haven't seen my brother in ages. A few moments later, Cloud opens the door. "What are you doing here?" he asks. Not the most polite way to greet a brother you haven't seen in awhile, but then again, I wasn't too polite to him the last time we spoke, either.

"Oh, you know," I say nonchalantly, waving my hand in an odd fashion. "I was just out for a little jog and just… managed to get here."

He raises an eyebrow. "I thought you were living downtown. That's not exactly a _little_ jog."

"Listen," I say, "can you at least let me come inside for a little while? It's fucking freezing out here."

He stares at me for a long time, as if trying to figure out my level of sincerity. Finally, he lets out a long sigh and steps to the side, letting me inside the house I spent ten years of my life in. I rub my arms and wriggle my fingers, trying to get feeling back into them.

"So…" Cloud says, pushing me further into the house and shutting the door, blocking out the freezing winter air. "Did that asshole finally kick you out?"

Yeah, let's just say that Axel and Cloud aren't exactly the best of mates. In fact, to put it bluntly, they hate each other. I think it's because they're actually a lot alike. And they're both overly protective of me – at least Cloud used to be. But, you know, love generally comes before family, at least for me when this happened, so the moment I turned eighteen and Cloud no longer had any legal hold over me I ran away to live with Axel - after a long fight with Cloud – and that's where I've been ever since. So basically me showing up on Cloud's doorstep after a year and a half is… well, not that normal. Especially when I live more than a few blocks away.

"No," I say. "_Axel_ did not kick me out. He _loves_ me, Cloud. He'd never do that."

"So then what are you here for?" I wince at all the hurt feelings I hear in his voice. I feel regret for what I did to him, especially since he worked his ass off for me when I was younger and dying – much like I am now. Ha.

"I guess," I say, slowly, looking into his eyes, "that I just wanted to come and apologize."

I see his shoulders relax and then he does something completely unexpected: he steps forward and wraps me in a huge bear-hug. For a second, I don't know what to do, but then I close my eyes and embrace him. "I'm sorry, too," he whispers after a long while. "I never should have been that protective of you when it came to Axel. He's always been good to you, even if he does have a big head." I almost laugh. He does have a point. "I missed you. It's lonely around here without my little brother."

I'm not sure what I expected by coming to Cloud's door, but it definitely wasn't this. I thought he'd at least be really pissed at me. I'm happy that this is how it turned out. "I missed you, too."

He takes a step back and chuckles. "You're just saying that."

"Nah," I respond, punching him in the arm. "I really did."

We share a long laugh and suddenly everything's back to the way it's supposed to be – except one thing and I can't tell him that. Not after we finally have our relationship back.

"You want to stay for dinner?" he asks.

I shake my head. "Actually, I should have been home awhile ago. Axel's probably wondering where I'm at…"

"Then, would you like a ride?"

I look up at him and smile, thankful. It's already dark outside and freezing cold. "That would be awesome."

On the drive back, we talk about trivial things for awhile and we share a few laughs. Then I ask him something that's been bothering me for awhile. "Are you dating anyone, Cloud?"

He looks taken aback for a moment before his entire face lights up in a smile. "I am, actually." I can see by the look in his eyes that he's in love. Maybe this is why he welcomed me back so easily: he knows what it's like to be completely smitten with someone.

When he pulls in front of my apartment building, I say goodbye and give him a hug before opening the door. But he grabs my arm, forcing me to turn and look at him. "Bro, if you ever need anything feel free to come by. Or I can come pick you up. Anything." I can tell from the pleading look in his eyes that he really means it.

"Thanks," I say, giving him another hug. "I'll be sure to take you up on that offer."

Axel is pacing by the time I unlock the door to our apartment. He nearly pounces on me. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Well," I say, "I kinda ended up at Cloud's house and we sorta sorted everything out and then he gave me a ride home."

"Roxas," he says and I know it's serious because he never says my whole name unless it's serious. "Cloud's house is miles and miles away."

I shrug. "I know that, Axel. I'm sorry." He pulls me into his arms and I suddenly feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down again. We haven't talked about what happened the night before when I started crying after we made love, but I know he's curious. I'm just scared. I'm scared for myself, but mostly I'm scared for Axel and what he's going to do when I'm gone.

"At least tell me next time, okay?" he whispers.

Nodding, I nuzzle closer to him, taking in his warmth, his solidness, his realness. Death isn't real to me yet, but Axel is. He's right here in front of me. I can touch him, hold him, cling to him, love him. I love him so much it hurts. And I know I will love him even after I've left this earth far behind. And I'll be waiting for him to come join me one day, one day.

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

**Babblings: **Well there you have chapter three. I just couldn't help but put Namine in this story. You'll find out what happened exactly with Axel and Cloud later.

Review! You know you want to!


	4. Groceries

If I Die Before I Wake

**If** _I_ _**Die Before**_ _I_ **Wake**

_Chapter_ **Four: G**_r_oc**e**_r_ie**s**

**Babblings: **I greatly apologize for my lack of updates. I have been getting more reviews for other stories, so I have continued on with them in spite of that fact that I really love this plotline. Fortunately for any of you still interested, this story wouldn't stop calling to me, begging to be continued. (I also had the help of delicious chocolate-banana muffins.) So here I am. Kick back, relax, and enjoy the show (and review)!

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

Namine sat next to me when we were in the art building from then on. Occasionally, I would sneak a peak at what she was working on and she looked at mine, too. She was good, really good. In fact, she made me more self-conscious about mine than I usually was, but she always just shook her head and didn't believe me when I told her she was better than me.

One day, the Friday after I'd met her, I finally worked up the courage to asked Namine to join Axel and I for dinner. Which brings me to the current moment. I was stressing in the kitchen, mid-afternoon, glaring at the measly contents in our fridge and wracking my brain for something to test my horrid cooking skills on. Axel had to work until just before supper, so he couldn't be much of a help to me, either.

Letting out a long sigh, I opened a package of vitamins Doc had given me and downed them in one swallow. I forced myself to breathe before I started to hyperventilate – something that couldn't be very good for my dying heart. Usually I was fairly calm, but cooking for company always made me a bit nervous.

I could always make steak and potatoes. You couldn't really go wrong with that, right? But it was very boring and unoriginal. Let's see… soup? Ah, yes. The weather was perfect for soup.

After searching the kitchen for the recipe I was looking for, I then grabbed my keys and my cell phone and jogged to the grocery store where Axel was working at that very moment.

I have always thought he looked completely adorable wearing his apron, his hair tied back into a ponytail, bangs held in place with bobby pins. Really, it was absolutely candid and it brought a smile to my face very time I saw him. Unfortunately for me, he thought it was highly embarrassing and had banned me from grocery shopping while he was on duty. Unfortunately for _him_, I really needed ingredients and this was the only store within jogging distance, especially in the middle of winter.

He looked as handsome as ever that day. The little bell above the door tinkled with my arrival and he looked up from the cash register and the old lady he was currently helping, eyeing me with an amused gaze. I put my hands on my face, trying to tell if something was there. Nothing. Then I looked down and noted that underneath my winter coat I still had on my pajama pants. Reaching up and touching my hair, I felt the way that I had pinned it back in a rather girlish way. Well, whatever. I'd give him his laugh for the day. Actually, I'm pretty sure he spent most of his days laughing at me.

After he'd finished helping his lone customer, I waltzed over to him, leaning on the counter. "I dressed up just for you," I said.

He chuckled in such a way that it made me smile and then he lifted up a hand and pulled the pin out of my hair, making my bangs fall back into my eyes. "I don't like other people looking at your face when it's like that."

"Axel," I pointed out, "there's no one in here."

His eyes scanned the surrounding area, noting that it was, indeed, empty and then he bent forward and pulled me in for a chaste kiss. "What are you doing here, Roxy? I thought I told you not to come when I was working." He was trying to be defensive, but his walls had already crumbled. I was awfully good at that, if I do say so myself.

"Not to worry, lover-boy," I said, waving the recipe in front of his face. "I just needed some stuff for dinner and this was the closest place. It's _cold_ out there, in case you couldn't tell."

He turned his red head around to look out the window at the winter wonderland. "Yeah, I guess it is, huh? How about I help you find stuff, since, as you said, there's no one here."

One would think that Axel and I would have stopped acting like some lovesick (newlywed?) couple somewhere along the lines of four years ago, but we hadn't and I don't think we ever would. The shopping trip that should have taken a grand total of five minutes ended up taking over half an hour, because we couldn't stop kissing each other behind the aisles. I suppose that this is the real reason he never wants me to visit when he is still on the clock. He would never get any work done if I stuck around for too long.

I finally managed to break free from him and teasingly demand that he go back to stocking shelves or whatever it was that grocer-boys did before I eased myself back into the cold weather.

These were the times I would miss the most when I was gone.

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

_The blonde looked up at the taller boy looming over him, shielding his eyes from the afternoon sun. School was over for the day, but Roxas was sitting outside the school, waiting for his brother to come pick him up. Cloud had work that day, so Roxas, who knew he could be there for awhile, took up his sketch book to entertain himself. Axel had slightly surprised him. Besides sitting with Roxas at lunch, they hadn't talked much for the past week since the incident in the art room. _

_Axel lowered himself onto the grass next to the younger boy, casually looking over Roxas' shoulder at the picture he was creating: a snapshot in time of the couple sitting on the bench across the street, blushing and holding hands. Roxas was not ignoring him by not speaking, Axel knew, he was simply a man of few words. Axel wanted to say something, but he was struggling with the phrasing, something that rarely, if ever, happened to him. _

"_Just ask it," Roxas said, after a couple minutes of silence. "I'm not going to say 'yes' unless you ask."_

"_I was just wondering… if you had nothing better to do, if you wanted to go to a movie or something," he managed to say, still amazed that this boy made him stutter with his words._

"_I guess," Roxas replied. "I'll have to call my brother first." With a sigh that wasn't altogether reassuring for Axel, the blonde put his sketch book away and pulled out a phone that looked as though it had seen better days. His long, feminine fingers dialed in the phone number. He held it up to his ear. A few moments later, someone on the other end picked up and they started talking. "Hey. Yeah, it's me. I was just calling to tell you that I'm going out with a friend… Yes, I have a friend… A boy… Yes, he's nice… He'll give me a ride home… I won't be out too late… Thanks... Yeah. Bye." As soon as he hung up, he stared at Axel incredulously. "You _will_ give me a ride home, right?"_

_Axel nodded and helped Roxas to his feet. "I have a car."_

_They went to the movie theater and shared a large bag of buttered popcorn, both trying to dismiss the way their fingers tingled when they accidentally touched. But it didn't matter, because by the time they reached the bottom, they were holding hands anyway. There was no cliché moment of shyly sliding their fingers across the armrest, hands suddenly touching as they realized the other had the same idea. They both reached at the same time, eyes in contact, and let their slightly-greasy fingers entwine together for the remainder of the movie. _

_It was then that Roxas realized he didn't just need help; he needed Axel._

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

By the time Namine knocked on our apartment door, I had made myself more presentable and Axel had already showered and changed his clothes. The blonde girl gave me a big, friendly hug and I showed her into our home.

"Namine," I said, pulling on Axel's hand to make him stand up from the couch, "this is Axel. Axel this is Namine."

Namine graced him with a beautiful smile and his tension seemed to melt away. I know he'd been worried about her supposedly trying to steal me from him (as if that could ever happen), but he could now tell that she had no such intentions. Nevertheless, he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed the curve of my neck.

"Axel!" I exclaimed, warningly, whacking his arms away and blushing profusely.

My friend just seemed to take it all in stride, shrugging it off with a soft giggle.

"Um… Dinner's ready," I said. Axel, who always seemed to have an empty stomach, was in the kitchen before I had time to finish my sentence. I glanced at Namine, rolling my eyes. "Come on. The kitchen's just through here."

Dinner, to my complete and utter surprise, wasn't awkward at all. Even Axel lightened up after a few minutes. We talked about everything from our majors to cars to jobs to family. Namine, as it turned out, could be quite the chatterbox when she wanted to be.

After we finished our soup (which turned out a lot better than I thought it would) I served ice cream. (I got it for fifty-percent off since I worked, not very often admittedly, in the store that sold it.) And then we got up, leaving the dishes for later, to look around the apartment at my pictures, the main reason she had come here in the first place.

"Wow, Roxas," she said, placing her hand over her mouth when we came across the picture I'd painted of Axel when he was sleeping. "You have to put some of these in a show. I've never seen anything quite like them. They are absolutely breath-taking."

"That's what I always tell him," Axel agreed, giving me a sly grin.

I blushed and muttered inaudible things under my breath. "Maybe sometime," I gave in.

Axel and Namine shared a high five. Okay, in retrospect, maybe it wasn't the best idea to let them meet.

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

"I would like four scoops of chocolate fudge." I gazed up at the overweight woman in front of me. Good thing she appeared to be rich, because four scoops would cost her an arm and a leg – not that I would want hers or anything.

It had been slow all day. Most people didn't go out for cold dessert in the middle of winter before Christmas. The coffee shop across the street was a much better choice.

I smiled a forced smile at the woman and stood from the stool I'd been spacing out on. When I handed her the ice cream, she gave me a large bill and said, "Keep the change. You look like you could use a little fun." And then she left. I guess you can't really judge a book by its cover.

I glanced at the money in my hand. I still needed to get Axel something for Christmas. This was my yearly dilemma. Even though I'd known him for such a long time, he was still a hand person to shop for. This year… this year I needed to get him something special, more special than the usual. After I was dead and gone, I wanted him to move on, but I also wanted him to remember me for the rest of his life.

Outside, the street lights were beginning to turn on. Soon I would be able to go home. Maybe I could go to the mall for a while. I still had two weeks until Christmas. I just hoped that would be enough to find the perfect gift. I really needed to stop procrastinating, but old habits die hard.

My boss called and told me to go home early. Everything was already cleaned and spotless, so I shut off the lights and locked the door, stepping out into the chilly night air. The bus stop for the mall was only a block away, but since it was so cold it felt further than that. This was supposedly one of the coldest winters on record. I rubbed my gloved hands together in a failed attempt at warming them. The hood of my coat was pulled up around my ears.

I searched around the mall for an hour before giving up. I wouldn't find anything there. By the time I arrived home, Axel already had the table set for dinner and was working over the stove on something. I snuck up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

He jumped and exclaimed, "Rox, don't scare me like that! You're so cold." He rubbed his calloused hands up and down my arms, trying to get my body heat back up. Then he gave me a hug and a kiss. "Dinner is almost ready. Just go take a shower really quick to warm up. It's not good for you to be that cold."

His motherliness made me giggle, but I did as I was told. Besides, I wanted to get the sugary smell of ice cream off my skin.

Probably my favorite part of the day was eating with Axel, talking about our respective days, weird people we'd met and that sort of thing. I was a lot more talkative now than when Axel first met me. Back then, I hardly opened my mouth for anyone. I think he gave me his stupid sense of humor and sarcasm, too. But I liked me better this way. I loved what he did to me.

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

Cloud's boyfriend's name was Leon.

Cloud asked me if I would come over for dinner and I agreed. I really wanted to meet this guy that made him act like some lovesick schoolgirl. As it turned out, Cloud had every reason to act like a schoolgirl in front of him. I mean, this guy was _sexy_. Not that I'd ever tell Axel that. He spent too much time acting like a green monster as it was.

I liked having my brother back. He was one of the two most important people in my life and it sucked not having him around.

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

"Roxas, can I ask you a question?" Namine put her paintbrush down and stared at me.

"Yeah, anything," I replied.

"Are you sick?"

The inquiry caught me completely off-guard and I nearly dropped my paint. "N-no," I stuttered. "Why would you ask such a thing?"

"Well, it's just that when my grandma got sick, she started acting a little like you."

"Like what?"

"Like she had nothing to lose."

Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to lie to her. Her eyes begged for the truth, like she couldn't stand the thought of losing me, her friend. "Please don't tell anyone," I pleaded. "I just… no one can know. Especially Axel."

"What is it?" she asked, her eyes softening.

"Degenerative leukemia. I probably won't live until graduation." Suddenly, I found myself choking up and I had to dismiss myself from the room. Namine ran after me. I fell against a wall, my body suddenly taken over with sobs. Her skinny arms came around my body, holding me close to her.

I wish it didn't have to be like this.

_**x-x-x-x-X-x-x-x-x**_

**Babblings: **Sorry this chapter isn't as long as I would have liked it to be. But at least I updated. Please review or this story will once again be put on hold.


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